#WifeLife101: 5 Ways to get out of the No Sex Zone

unhappy marriage


I’m sure this meme isn’t funny to a lot of brothers who are living in the no sex zone, but as a wife and mom, I GET IT!

This melanated love thing is delicious; and building black families is where it’s at these days. But those love vibes don’t always translate in the bedroom after a busy day running after babies and making mountains move.

We’re working, running businesses, raising children and making a home. The ish gets exhausting! So, that meme is exactly how we feel when our men show up with “the big cup” waiting to be filled from the little bit we have left over.


I got a good laugh out of it, but I remember a few years ago when I was creating my own “no-sex zone” in my marriage. I’d just had baby number 2 and I. Was. Tired! Frustrated and overstretched with two under three. Not to mention I felt unattractive and a mess. Y’all know how our bodies go to changing -in more ways than many- after giving birth mamas.

Being tired comes with the territory of our super busy lifestyles. Much like intimacy comes with the territory of marriage. The beautiful thing is, an increase in intimacy can lead to an increase in energy – so we all win!

Sex is a natural and necessary part of any marriage. Along with strengthening the bond between you and your spouse, you release hormones that induce relaxed, stress-free feelings, powerful natural pain relievers, and an overall positive mood. Who can complain about that?

Aside from those who have experienced serious sexual traumas, women who are well connected with their spouse tend to respond to life better.

So how do you get from barely having a spark to coaxing a constantly lit flame?

Well, I’m no expert but when I realized that the “no sex zone” leaves the door wide open for temptation, I changed the climate of my marriage in a heart beat. Here’s my five best tips…

& if you don’t need them, share ’em with a sista that does. 🙂

no sex, marriage, black marriage, black love, black women, black men, married, intimacy

 5 Ways to get out of the No-Sex Zone

  • Pull Yourself together girl!

    Self care is the order of the day! When you look good, you feel good and you make everyone around you feel good. Men are visual creatures, and while I know we have a million and one things on our “to-do” list, YOU should be one of them! Be honest with yourself if you’ve let yourself go and go get her back! Don’t let your love life suffer from a lack of self love. Get back into the swing of lavishing yourself with affection and it’s sure to spill over on your loved one.

  • Exercise

    “Exercise releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy!” I’m quoting one of those hollywood blondes but homegirl was right. Not only do endorphins make you happy, exercise increases blood flow to some key areas while rejuvenating your stamina.

    I found that waking up early (when I used to wake up early) to exercise made my days much smoother and more energetic so I had more “get up and go” when Hubz got home in the evenings. Another trick is to get in a nice calorie burner after the kids lay down to give you an evening energy boost.

  • Commit to Bedtime

    Is your spouse competing with your career…? Kids? Social calendar? Yep, been there! Like back when I wrote this post. We’ve even helped a few couples who’s only major problem in the bedroom is the kids. Try committing to a time when the children MUST be in bed every night and don’t compromise unless it’s absolutely necessary. Between 8-9pm works for us and it gives us a few hours at night to just enjoy each others’ company.

Along with a bedtime for the children, create a time when work and electronics must go off. Nothing is more important than building a strong bond with your spouse. Too many couples are competing with each others phones and tablets. Get back into each others’ presence. I promise, that’s the only “likes” you need at the end of the day.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]Don’t get stuck on social media and forget that your spouse should “like” you too.[/tweetthis]

  • Open Up

    Over 70% of women never achieve orgasm in their lives. That’s pure ridiculousness! No wonder they’re calling us “angry” and “emotional”! The real thing is over 70% of men don’t even know that. It’s high time we say something ladies, because as much as they DO know, they DON’T know how to read our minds. Oh happy day when the app for that is invented; but until then, we have to get comfortable letting our men know what works and what doesn’t. Because, let’s be honest, no amount of “tired” or “headache” will keep us away from something if we really want it. You know what they say about a closed mouth.

  • Get outside of the Box.

    If you want different results, you gotta do some thing(s) different. Think outside the box for ways to bring back the excitement you had before. Send a text outside of your normal “pick up a pack of chicken”, or funny animal memes. Leave a note in his lunch bag or wallet. Get creative. Be spontaneous!



It’s easy to forget that we’re wired totally different from our men. Most of us, women, can  live without sex – but our men cannot. Which is probably why scripture is really clear on the matter in marriage. Creating an intimate, open and fun environment in your marriage can ensure that the desire is mutual and no one ever feels missed or neglected.

What are some ways you keep the spark of intimacy in your marriage?


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