10 Things to do Right Now, instead of arguing



I know girl.

He did it again. Stayed out late and didn’t call, or just didn’t take the trash out for the 1,356th time and you are pissed. Our men have so much on their minds. Taking care and providing for families is work. And no, I’m not justifying the forgetfulness. 

It’s cool to be upset. I know because I’m upset right now.

 I’m stopping myself from throwing a doggone shoe. But I’m stopping myself is the point.

I keep seeing all these memes “Marriage is a “sleepover with your best friend” every night. NO. It is not. And if it was, could you imagine that? I can. I remember staying at my best friends house a whole week as a kid. By day 3 we were at each other’s hat. So marriage is like a sleepover, except I didn’t have to pick up my bff’s socks in the middle of “being mad”.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]So marriage is like a sleepover, except I didn’t have to pick up my bff’s socks in the middle of “being mad”.[/tweetthis]

People ask us all the time how we handle arguing. We really don’t. (Yes, there are couples out here.) Trust me, we disagree. Instead of arguing, we go silent on each other or go off on our own. We do eventually hash it out but we’ve figured out how to handle it humanely. I mean, we do have to live together after the tension subsides.


As a woman, it can be especially difficult for me to swallow my words. I always want to be the “finisher”. This society teaches us, “can’t nobody tell me nothing”, and “I’m a grown woman!”. But that’s not really conducive for marriage. Not a good one at least.

God hasn’t called us to nagging and nastiness as wives, either. This world can be tough enough, so it’s good when we’re good to each other. Im glad I’ve figured out some clever ways to check my spirit when I’m feeling like that. Until I can approach the situation humbly and speak my grievances like I’m talking to a god of this earth…or at least another human.

[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@theNspiyahdLife” hidden_hashtags=”#Nspiyahd” display_mode=”box”]#WifeLife101:This world is tough enough. It’s good when we’re good to each other[/tweetthis]

10 Things to do when you’d rather argue.

  • Vacuum – I’m sure the feminists will call me sexist for this suggestion but I promise I’m not. It’s all about strengthening our femininity. Our homes are our biggest reflection of us, and the floors can always stand to be cleaned. Not only does vacuuming freshen the air in your home. It lightens the energy. The monotony of walking back in forth with the vacuum doing all of the work will give you time to get into your thoughts and figure out why you’re really upset. Take the time to give your floors a good clean when you need to redirect some of that energy and you’ll be glad you did long after the argument is gone.


  • Take a long walk – there’s nothing like fresh air to bring you back to a peaceful place. Walking is also great for keeping them legs toned too!
  • Take a cold shower – I know, I sound like somebody’s mama. I’m  forreal though! Cold showers are really good for your skin! This one aint even about him! “It’s the safest waay!” Lol. (Erykah voice)  Really, cold showers have so many healing benefits for our bodies.  I love my hot-hot water too much to go strictly cold, but I transition from “dark warm” to warm to “luke cold” but I’m telling you. Your skin will thank you for it. If you’re feeling like being brave, bring some fine ground pink salt (or plain sea salt) into the shower for a spiritual cleanse.
  • Go do your toes – Skipping pedicure visits is great for when you’re feeling unappreciated in your house. It gives you a perfect opportunity to pamper yourself – yourself. It’s cool to have someone else do it but there’s nothing like touching your own skin. Grooming your own self and reminding yourself how much you care about you. Our society is so disconnected, most of us even neglect to connect with ourselves. Instead of arguing, take that time to get back in tune with you.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]Our society is so disconnected, most of us even neglect to connect with ourselves.[/tweetthis]

  • Speaking of getting in tune, meditate. Next time you’re feeling like you want to scream, find a quiet place and  go there. Just sit a while and listen to your spirit speak. What is she screaming for? What does your soul want? Is it  upright? Is it pleasing to the Most High? Take the time to clear out your mind of any expectations that are not of Him and just breathe.
  • Write in a journal. It can be a great way to get your emotions out so that when you do go to speak to your husband you’ll have a list of problems with actionable solutions you’ve thought through in the ink wash. Men are logistical. (Is that a word?) They hear us better when we’re speaking from logic and strategy rather than emotions or feelings. Not to say that we shouldn’t feelbut we should process those feelings in the feminine and bring the  problem into the masculine, so they can solve them.
  • Go for a jog. This one can be so helpful in releasing excess hormones and stress toxins. Not only will it give you time to think instead of arguing, while pounding the pavement, you’ll be burning calories and working up an appetite as well.


  • Which brings me to my next tip. Try out a new recipe instead of arguing with your man. I always say that baking bread is the best stress relief in the kitchen. Like jogging, the kneading process gives you something to physically exert some energy on. A good 10 minute kneading session will give you some super soft bread too! Don’t know how? Check out my Bread Tutorial video HERE


  • Create something. I’m known for getting at the sewing machine or wrapping up a stone when I’m feeling frustrated. When I’m hurt I’ll pull out pen and paper and write a poem or a song. Whatever it is that brings your soul joy, do that. Sewing, making music, continuing your manuscript, branding for your business.  Hustles and hobbies help us feel accomplished and less dependent on our men to not make mistakes. Which in turn gives us less reasons to argue.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]Hustles and hobbies help us feel accomplished and less dependent on our men to not make mistakes.[/tweetthis]

  • (FILL IN #10 HERE!!!!!)

There’s a thousand other productive things that can be done instead of arguing. (and a few things not to do. Like call your single girlfriends but that’s another post) 

They say black wives are angry, but really, we’re the ones with the most at stake if our men fail. I get it. There’s a way to communicate exactly what we need from them, firmly without upsetting the balance. Sometimes, wee have to sit down or step back to get to that.

Our whole society is really built against men. We’ve been in a matriarchy. Look at the education system; boys are always in trouble and get lower grades – across racial lines.

Our duty is to help our boys and men overcome that and become better. That’s not always easy, and we get humbled in the process.

Look at our ancestoral women. They built kingdoms in humility, honor and love. They were soft, submissive and strong.

They raised families, owned businesses, and managed a house full of servants and all our forefathers’ wealth. You think they had time to be arguing and carrying on?


What are some things you do in your marriage instead of arguing?

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