At 19, I didn’t know much.
Of course, I thought I knew it all but we all know how that goes.
I was living fast, expressing what I thought was freedom and running.
I was running hard and fast from myself, from my past, from looking in the mirror – and most of all, from my mother.
Being raised in a “rich” family, people expect for you to have a charmed life. They see the cars, the house, the STUFF – but they don’t see behind those beautiful glass doors into the fact that everything inside is breaking down. The fabric of family is tearing at the seams and love; well, love was a constant battle in those days.
In the midst of all of my running, I was stopped in my tracks by debilitating cramping. EVERY.SINGLE.MONTH.
When I finally decided to stop self-medicating and see what the issue was, I was hit with a ton of bricks. My womb was riddled with fibroids, cysts, and “endometriosis”. I had no clue what it was but I had Google. The resident on duty told me that the likelihood of me ever having children was slim. Super slim, and that if I did I’d probably have problems.
I was broken. My body was broken. All I could do was blame myself, and ask, “why me?!”
I’d always been afraid of becoming a mother because I didn’t want to become MY mother – but hearing that I’d never be a mother shook me to my soul. It was a bone-deep kinda pain that made me realize the truth.
In spite of it all, I did want children. I wanted the opportunity to reconcile my past and build my own picture of the future. I wanted to know that I could be better than what I’d grown up around.
So I started researching.
I researched every herb for womb healing, every naturopathic doctor, every Youtube video shot on a VHS recorder (there was some gooood stuff with the tracking lines too!) I found out so much about how my lifestyle was contributing to my health.
Those who know me know that I’m an all or nothing type girl so trust me when I say, I went all in. My diet changed, my prayer life changed, my language changed – and all of that lead me to my most important change – slowing down and looking at all of the things that I had been running from.
You see, in my running, I’d run into everything I was trying to avoid. I ran right into an abusive relationship, right into homelessness, right into being broke as a joke with no clear direction.
And then I stopped.
Somewhere in my research I stumbled upon the work done by Drs. Jewel Pookrum and Christiane Northrup. Both women’s health experts revealed that after years of study they’d concluded that womb health was deeply connected to unaddressed emotions, past pain, loss, and energetic stagnation. That gave a whole new meaning to my self-work.
I realized that what I now call the “mommy scar” was living right inside my womb and the only way to heal was forgiveness. So, I wrote her a letter (never sent it but I wrote it), I reached out after spending years not speaking to her, I apologized for the part I’d played in it all. Little by little, eventhough she wouldn’t or couldn’t admit her faults at the time, I began to free myself.
Of all the external work I’d done, this job was most important. Herbs were a huge help (which I later turned into the Queen Maintenance Kit). Eating well was life changing. But to be honest, the thing that created the most lasting healing and set me on a course to change my physical, spiritual, and even my financial health – was forgiving my mother.
Now, I’m well aware that there are women who are infertile and there is no known solution, but this was a solution for me and many women I’ve worked with since that time.
I had to acknowledge the pain, bitterness, and anger that were living in my womb. I had to forgive my mother, my father, and myself. I also had to realize that forgiveness doesn’t mean that everything will be roses. It doesn’t mean that the person will ever change or that you will rebuild a relationship immediately. It simply means that you are freeing yourself – on purpose.
That was 10 years ago. As I’m writing this, baby #4 is doing flips inside of my belly and I’m grateful. I have a much better relationship with my mother now – I think becoming a mother helped with that. Forgiveness didn’t justify any of what I experienced growing up, but it did remove the burden of trying NOT to be her, and helped me appreciate how much of her I actually am. I find myself sounding exactly like her at times and instead of beating myself up about it, I embrace it. I take it as an opportunity to be more intentional in my growth as a mother and a woman.
Have you had to forgive your mother? How has it helped you on your journey?