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black family life

Losing myself in motherhood did not make me a better mother

Losing Myself in Motherhood DID NOT Make Me a Better Mother

 

5 years ago I was the epitome of a tired mama. I lived in my bonnet, my poor curls were dry and dusty, and my lint covered robe was my uniform.

 

I was a brand new, stay-at-home mama of two, living on one income, completely overwhelmed. I was tired and frustrated every day and crying every night – and I knew something had to give.

 

Like most women I knew – my grandmother, aunts, mother-in-law – I thought there was some high and noble calling to be found in losing my entire identity in being a wife and mother. I thought someone would show up with an award for Most Invested Mom because I was willing to be a martyr to my true self and bury my dreams in my children and husband – wrong, wrong & WRONG!

 

While I was losing myself in being Mom of the Year I was actually half-assing my whole life. I was cooking meals from scratch, making organic baby food, cloth diapering, and had hubby’s work clothes ironed every morning. Now, I loved (and still love) doing all of those things. But doing all those things without taking time to nurture myself, as a woman, did not make me a better mother or wife.

 

What it did make me was resentful. Being a great mom and wife was something that I’d always dreamed of but the way I was going about it had me in the fast lane to hating my life, having a perpetual side-eye for my husband, and being constantly frustrated with my children.

 

What I’d been taught, “Mothers don’t have a life anymore, everything is for your children now”, was running me into the ground.

 

I knew something had to change and FAST. First, I needed to carve out time for myself. No matter what I knew that I had to start refilling my cup if I wanted to continue to pour into my family.

 

I also knew that even though I had chosen the stay-at-home mom life, I needed to create something outside of my family that I could use to nurture my gifts, skills, and talents. As much as I’d looked forward to being a “kept woman” (yep, I’m quite alright with admitting that), once I was in those shoes I was bored af, and I wanted to contribute to our family’s future.

 

That was the beginning of what you see today. Taking more time to nurture me gave me more time to nurture my family. It also gave me more joy to share, more peace to pass along, and more seeds to sow into the people I love the most.

 

That’s why I’m so passionate about helping women heal – big pains and small, nagging aches – because when a woman can show up as her best self she can give her best to everything else.

Do you feel like you’ve lost yourself? What do you need to get back to you?

Beauty & Confidence

7 Things to #DiddyCrop Out of Your Life Today

7 Things to #DiddyCrop Out of Your Life Today

Y’all!!! The #KingOfShade crown is resting squarely upon the head of Uncle Puff today! In case you missed it, Mr. Combs has the internet stirred up after cropping out the Jenner sisters in a photo packed with high achieving black men (50% of whom I admittedly cannot name), and boldly tagging #blackexcellence.

 

I laughed for a good 12 minutes after seeing it, and it got me to thinking – what other mediocrity should we be cropping out of our lives???

 

Well, in the spirit of Diddy, I came up with an excellent list of useless yet seemingly always-there scene stealers that need to go NOW – you’re very welcome.

 

7 Things to #DiddyCrop Out of Your Life

    1. Naysayers – Everyone has them, no one needs them. You know the ones. No matter how great your idea, how positive your feedback, or how brilliant your business model – they always have a reason why it won’t work, it’s not good, or no one will care. Eliminate Negative Nancy and Petty Paul with the quickness. Those types of people have given up on their biggest dreams and would love nothing more than to have some company in their misery. Don’t let it be you.

 

  • Frienemies – Listen, there’s nothing cute about having a bunch of snakes around you. The idea is to be able to spot a snake in the grass, not turn it into your pet. In the day of social media, we tend to keep “haters” around just to say we have them. How about you crop them right out of your life so you can see your lovers better.

 

 

When you spot the snake in the grass, don’t make it your pet. #DiddyCrop Click To Tweet

 

 

  • Laziness – I hope you didn’t think the whole post was about the “other folks” who need to be removed. You already knew I was going to circle this Bentley right back around. LOL! Most of your goals aren’t killed by others, they’re shot in the foot because you “don’t feel like it”, or you’re “too tired”. The quickest way to crop out laziness is to consider the cost. What will your life look like in a year if you don’t get up and create it today?

 

 

  1. Ungratefulness – Blessings go where they’re appreciated. Make it a point to tell God that you’re grateful for what you have. There’s so much more out here for you if you can notice what you already have.

No one brings presents to the pity party. #NspiyahdLife Click To Tweet

 

  1. Limiting Self Talk – My good friend always says “You’re an AfriCAN, not an AmeriCan’t”. I always laugh. So many people fail, not because they can’t but because they tell themselves they can’t. One thing I’ve learned is that you should never be the one to tell yourself “no”. There are enough obstacles, challenges, and naysayers out here to say no for you. You don’t be the one to say no to yourself.

 

 

  • Pity Parties – When you know your time is limited, you watch the way you spend it. No one brings presents to a pity party, remember that. Spend your time crafting experiences that make you better, stronger, and wiser – and less time thinking of what’s not going “right”.

 

 

Click To Tweet 

 

 

  • Moochers – Some people come to sow seeds, other’s only come to pick your fruit. Pay attention to the people who only come to take from you, never to give. They will leave you dry and empty if you let them. Keep company with those who are willing to help you till your soil, plant your seeds, and fertilize your garden. Those are the people worth keeping in your picture.

 

 

black family life

5 Reasons Why You Should Thank Your Ex

5 Reasons Why You Should Thank Your Ex

Black love and relationships are such a slippery subject nowadays. If you choose to inject yourself in the conversation (I do it all the time) – you might as well expect some hurt soul to come for your edges.

I try to always remember what it felt like to be fresh out of a relationship that I thought would last forever – only to realize that joker was just that – a joke.

What I’m far more aware of these days, and guard my edges when I speak on, is how much value there is in a breakup and how much power we have over the trajectory of our relationships.

Now make no mistake, you don’t have any power over something that was unequally yoked to begin with. The only power you have there is to unhitch yourself and keep it moving. And you should be thankful if you caught on quick enough to let go from the beginning.

But what if you held on for years?

Well, there are a good number of reasons you should be thankful too!

“You don’t have power over something that’s unequally yoked to begin with. Your power is… Click To Tweet

 

First things first, you now know how freeing it is to let go of dead things. Working in the garden has taught me many things. One of the greatest is that even though it hurts to cut away my prettiest flowers, it’s the only way the rest of the flowers will grow.

All the time you spend holding on, you’re actually forfeiting the blessings that you should be reaching for.

That brings me to the next point. Whether you left or they did you created space in your life.

When we have the wrong things taking up space we say things like “I’m going to wait until something better comes along.” What actually ends up happening is your “better” comes and you don’t have room for it.

 

Did your intuition tell you from the beginning that he just wasn’t the one? Probably so. One of the most valuable lessons that exes teach is for you to trust your discernment – the first time.

Many times your intuition is more subtle than the roar of loneliness, the need for companionship, or the tingling heat in your panties… yea, I said it. Going through the fire teaches you to trust that inner knowing every time it tells you that you’re about to get burned.

Your Intuition is more subtle than loneliness, or the tingle in your panties. But it’ll save… Click To Tweet

If you’ve ever felt unworthy in a relationship, you probably know how great it feels to look back and realize your true value. You take an inventory of all that you gave, how you showed up, and how much you cared and if you’re wise – you start to redirect that diligence to yourself and elevate your walk with God.

Exiting a toxic relationship can remind you of how valuable you are.  Give thanks for that.

Thank your ex for showing you what you don’t want.

Many times we go into relationships with a laundry list of our wants, but we’re not so aware of the character issues, moral inconsistencies, and emotional unbalances that we don’t want.

Somethings you have to witness first hand to know that you absolutely don’t want to deal with it.

I never thought I’d be grateful for my ex, but I really am. One of the things I’m most thankful for was that he showed me how I was treating myself. That’s right. Your ex gives you a mirror of your self-worth. I thought that pampering myself was proving that I loved myself – until I had to ask myself “well, why are you putting up with xyz?” That’s what helped me realize that self-maintenance is not the same as self-love; and my past love life was a glaring example of where I was in my self-love life.

The journey through my own self-love battles inspired me to create the Self Love Series for other women. I didn’t want any other woman to have to go through that process alone.

Looking back, I’m so grateful for all the lessons I learned growing through what I thought was love. I learned that the truest love starts inside and radiates to those you invite into your life.

The truest love starts inside and radiates to those you invite into your life. Click To Tweet.

Gratitude makes room for you to create more of what you desire in your life. SO before you drag your ex through the mud, ask yourself….

What has your ex taught you that you’re thankful for?

Beauty & Confidence

3 Keys to Moving Forward When You Feel Stuck

3 Keys to Moving Forward When You Feel  Stuck

I’m always listening. It’s how I keep up with what’s most important to the women and families we serve.

On elf the most talked about struggles amongst women is the feeling of being “stuck”.

Whether you feel stuck in your job, stuck in your marriage, or stuck in motherhood – women are feeling trapped inside their lives and the pull on their souls is urging them to move forward.

That, my dear, is called “calling”. It’s an insatiable force to make, do, or create something that will bring about change in a major way.

Many have it, but most  don’t ever answer their calling.

Have you ever had a pull on your soul and you convinced yourself to wait on it, pray about it, or simply put it on the back burner “until the time is right” – and then you end up feeling stuck?

I know what it’s like.. I’ve been stuck before – enough times to know that it’s never a good feeling; and getting unstuck can seem to take forever if you don’t have the help and strategy that you need.

These 3 keys will help you get “unstuck” in any situation and gain the leverage you need to never get stuck in that same hole again.

3 Keys to Moving Forward When You Feel  Stuck 

  1. Observe your Surroundings

Have you ever seen a movie where someone is sinking in quicksand? They’re fighting against the situation until they take a look around and realize that there’s something right in front of them that will help them pull themselves out.

It may be an idea, a person, or a shift in your inner environment that is as simple as the flip of a switch and can change everything.

Make sure that when you feel stuck you take the time to look around and think creatively about what you already have that will help you to create some positive motion in your life.

  1. Make a Plan

You need a plan. PERIOD!  The most frustrating part of being stuck is not knowing which step to take next. You may have so many goals, ideas, and visions – and no clear strategy for getting it all done.

If that’s you, you need a Me in your life. I may be biased but I’m jussayin’…I was stuck until I found a “me” for me. lol!

I’ll be hosting a valuable Lifeclass next week, serving systems, strategies, and shifts to get you from stuck to success. You can save your seat here.

  1. Take Action CONSISTENTLY

One of the main reasons people fail is because they sit still and overthink their struggles, their plans, their business ideas – everything.

There’s really only one cure for being stuck – taking ACTION! That’s it.

The magic pill is action, but not just any action – consistent action. Having a clear plan and taking consistent steps toward that plan will get you unstuck, but are you willing to take action even when you don’t feel like it? Even when you’re tired? Even when you’ve taken steps and you don’t see the results yet?

That kind of action will get you unstuck and on a path to never fall into the same pit again.

What area of your life has you feeling stuck? 

Sign up for the upcoming LifeClass!

black family life

My Spring Cleaning Schedule – Passover Edition

Passover Cleaning, Peach, Hebrew Homemaker, HomemakingSpring is here and I’m soooo excited! I don’t know if it ever really wasn’t spring this year in New Orleans, but now the flowers are fragranced, new seedlings are popping up, and it’s time to get my spring cleaning schedule together.

The flies are back into action too and for me, that means one thing – CLEAN UP!

Spring also means that one of my favorite holy days is right around the corner – Passover, and that means – CLEAN UP! Lol!

This time of year I start getting that itch to clean, clean, clean but with three little people who want to “help” while we’re cleaning, a plan is essential!

My cleaning plan for Passover is spread out over a month. Yes, I said a month.

Spreading it out makes this HUGE once-a-year clean out easier to digest without getting overwhelmed. If I go at it without a plan I’ll be juiced up for a day and a half, then quickly lose steam because there’s just. so. MUCH! 

To top it off, we’re preparing for a move so we’ll be packing up as well. So yea, if y’all want to keep enjoying those Periscopes… ya girl needs a plan!

Here’s a quick breakdown of how my spring cleaning schedule looks this year.

Spring Cleaning Schedule:

  • Clean Cabinets & Closets – March 14,15,16 

March 14 – Clean Bedroom Closets

March 15 – Clean Kitchen & Laundry Room Cabinets

March 16 – Clean Fridge – Throw, Give, Pack

  • Clean Walls & Windows – March 17,19, 20

March 17 – Clean walls in rooms

March 19 – Clean Baseboards

March 20 – Clean Windows

  • Clean Floors – March 22, 23, 24

March 22 – Clean Upstairs carpets

March 23 – Clean Downstairs carpets

March 24 – Clean Bathroom & Kitchen floors

How do you make spring cleaning easier and more effective?

 

Looking for more ways to empower your family?

Grab the Family Empowerment Bundle! ONLY $29 unti3/24/17

black family life

10 Rules for Raising a Successful Black Family

10 Rules for Raising a Successful Black Family

successful black family

Every family is different. There’s no denying that we all have different methods, modalities, and madness when it comes to raising our ideas of a thriving black family.

Even though we’re all different, there are still some important tools, mindsets, and daily practices that every black family needs to prosper in the world – generation after generation.

So often we hear people say “there are no rules o this”. That, my dear, is a lie. *Throws Maury envelope*

Life is math. What you put in, comes out – spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & physically. Sometimes we don’t see how the problem works out, but it works out. 

In many ways, when we start to believe that there are no rules, that life is one big hodgepodge of happenstance, we get lazy. We lay down our ability to respond to life in a way that gets the results we want. We start reacting to life as it happens rather than creating a plan for guiding our family in the way they should go.

Ever felt overwhelmed in parenthood because the day just takes over you? Has handling a hectic household started to wear at your corners?

When it comes to raising a successful black family, these 10 rules will help you lay the foundation for generational blessings, healing, and prosperity.

10 Rules for Raising a Successful Black Family

1.) Start with Discipline – the method of discipline won’t look the same for every person, but the outcome should. From yourself, to your children the purpose of discipline is to build your commitment muscles.

You want your children to be able to commit to doing the right thing – in and out of your sight. In the same way, you want to have the drive to get your daily work done with dignity and finesse. Discipline supplies the strength and willpower to commit to accomplishing your goals as an individual and as a family.

Which brings me to number 2

2.) Have Family Goals – we all know that creating goals is a major key to success, but many people don’t create goals for the foundation of true success – their family.

What are your goals for your family? Have you sat down and discussed, or thought out, what you’d like your family to grow into? This is an especially good exercise for single people who want to manifest a positive family.

3.) Make a Mission Statement – one of the first things we did when we decided to get married was create a mission together. It has helped us so much when times got hard, when we wanted to quit, and when our backs were against the wall. 

A mission statement keeps everyone on track when things get cloudy and you can’t see the forest for the trees. Raising a black family is complex enough as it is. Going at it without a roadmap is like driving at night with no GPS. 

4.) Create Space for Communication – There’s nothing so lonely as living in a house with people you can’t talk to. Even children feel the sting of that pain. No matter what path you choose to follow in your home, have open, honest space where everyone can feel OK expressing what matters to them.

In our home, only one Law stands, the biblical one. That’s becoming the case in many homes, but less so in the world. With our children being exposed to so many different temptations and deviations from scripture in everyday life, it’s important that we hold space for honest questions, concerns, and suggestions. 

You won’t agree with everything but trust me, it’s better to answer those uncomfortable questions and give an experienced perspective than to be shamed when a child goes and finds out the answers for themselves.

5.) Practice Compassion – Remember when you prayed for the man, children, family that you have now? When things are shaky it can be hard to remember that you’re all in this thing together, but you are. 

Take time to see situations from all sides and aim to understand rather than criticize. (see: Pro. 4:7)

6.) Practice Positivity – There’s more than enough negativity to go around. Our homes can no longer be war zones (not emotionally either).

Say uplifting affirmations for and with your family. Come together and speak life over your home, your businesses, your finances. Teach your children to do the same. What we speak about, we bring about. And we know that when we gather together in righteousness, God joins us in the midst. 

7.) Establish an Order – an orderly household is obvious. I’m still getting there, one day at a time; but having all things in order is definitely #goals. Having an order to how you run your home translates far outside of your house and into everyday life as your loved ones interact in the world. 

And trust me, there’s nothing more beautiful than an ordered family in this crazy world.

8.) Heal with your Hands – We use our hands for so much. To eat, create, touch. Our hands have a powerful healing quality that we usually forget.

Pay attention to how you feed your family especially if you live in a so-called “food desert”. Buy the best that you can and cook it with gratitude. Learn new ways of healing your family with healing botanicals and touch.

Learn to tend the soil. We’re planting these 9 crops this year which will provide food for our bellies and more money in the bank.

9.) Learn to Do For Self – Self-reliance and interdependence are the matching shoes on the walk to becoming a successful black family. Take time to learn new skills often. 

Building sustainable businesses, creating the things you want and need, and networking with other families is critical to being a successful black family.

10.) INVEST in your family – In everything, if you invest, you’ll  get returns. Same thing for if you never invest.

Pour your time, your money, your skills, resources, and yourself into having the kind of family that you want. We tend to “give our all” to things that don’t matter and give just enough to get by to the most important things in our lives. 

Raising a beautiful black family is a beacon of light and hope in this day and age. So many people need to see that black royalty is still a possibility. 

Success, order, and love can all be achieved with focus, dedication, and consistency. 

You are royal! Live up to your crown!

What are your rules for raising a successful black family?

 

Looking for Family Empowerment?

Grab the Family Empowerment Bundle!
ONLY $29
until 3/24/17

Beauty & Confidence

Good Girlfriends are Golden. Here’s why…

Whatever happened to calling on your girlfriend and having hour long girl talk sessions to celebrate your wins and rethink your losses?

The advent of social media built an illusionary bridge between watching what we’re doing and knowing how we’re doing. 

There was a time when we knew our good friends inner most secrets and we trusted them enough to share our own. 

We had a soundboard for our fears, and encouragement when we needed to be talked down off the ledge. 

Isn’t it strange that we’re more “connected” now but have so much less connection? 

It’s awesome to have a great man and family, and when your man and family make you wanna holler – it’s a heaven-sent gift to have a girlfriend you can trust to confide in.

Relishing in your friend-ness, draws more friends in. In a day and age when  building social and economic wealth is so paramount, having valuable sister queens is an absolute gold mine. 

Queendom University would not be a thing if it weren’t for the Queens in my circle. If it weren’t for all of you queens in my digital tribe, constantly encouraging me and offering up your help.

We have the skills to help each other grow and become so much more.

Our sisterhood is a gift to be cherished, cultivated, and carefully kept.  

No, every sisterhood doesn’t hold the same value nor purpose in your life but most will find a comfortable place and also hold space for you to be more of yourself.

If you want to get serious about building a powerful network of sisters, then Queendom University is perfect for you. Enroll to become a part of a growing group of women on a mission to be amazing.

What do you value about your sister queens? 

black family life

9 Spring Crops for my Garden, the Market …and my belly

Did winter ever even happen? 

Down here in the Mississippi delta it seems like we’ve been in some weird fall/spring twilight zone with a few cold fronts here and there.

I’m not complaining at all. If there’s one thing I love it’s the hot weather so while I’m giving the concerned side eye to this global warming situation, I’m also excited about the wider array of crops we can grow in southern Louisiana. (see: my husband half-way are a mango tree last season before Nugget uprooted it!)

We’re prepping the ground for spring and getting seeds started. I’ve pulled my gloves back out and even reached out to local schools to get more of the youngin’s involved. 

Here’s a quick list some of the seeds we’re laying down this spring for a bountiful summer harvest:

  • Lettuce – LOTS of lettuce in a few different varieties. We always grow a ton of the salad stuff because it sells easily, and we eat it endlessly. This season we’re growing Boston Bibb, Buttercrunch, Red Leaf, and Romaine
  • Beans – We grew some bush beans last year and while they produced beautifully, they didn’t have the long season that pole (or vining) beans would. This year we’re putting down a few different varieties of both. The boys love growing beans so we always give them the job of tending and maintaining the bean crops. It’s a super easy crop for children.
  • Peas – OK, don’t shoot me but – I actually like shelling peas. It may have something to do with my busy hands needing something to do but there’s nothing better for me than knowing that my business is handled and I can sit back on a New Orleans porch at dusk with some strawberry lemonade and a large bowl of peas to clean. SO yeah, I’ll be growing the peas this year.
  • Squash – one of my favorite crops to grow are bush varieties of squash. They take up less space in your garden beds and are fairly good producers. This year we’re growing heirloom crookneck, straight neck, and Patty Pan. All do well at market and they’re super versatile on the dinner table.
  • Radish – can I tell you I’m not a fan of eating radish? It’s not my favorite veggie but I do love that they sell well to restaurants and foodies. They’re also a fast growing crop and children LOVE to pick them.
  • Kale – From juices to bowls, to smoothies, and wraps – Kale is a muhfuggin rockstar right now. Easily sautéed and added as a side or main with any meal, kale is a perfect crop to grow in your spring garden. Especially great for cooler climates – you know, where summer comes in June, not February. We’re planting some Russian Red (the kind with red stems), and blue curled leaf this season.
  • Eggplant – in the past few seasons we’ve had great success with eggplant – other than the rabbits biting out chunks but that’s another post. We’ll most likely be planting Asian varieties this year to get more bang for our buck, at market and on the stove. While the larger, American varieties can be used as “steak”, and make a great eggplant parmesan; the thinner Asian types are much more versatile for restaurants, and families with little finger-eaters.
  • Hot Peppers – this is New Orleans folks. We like our weather hot and our food even hotter, so hot peppers are always a mainstay in our garden. They have a super long season since it’s hot well into October here. They’re also easily transformed into sauces, jellies, and other post-harvest products which brings the market value up, and gives us the opportunity to outsource labor into the community.
  • Carrots – to be totally honest, I haven’t grown a proper carrot since the 4th grade. Not for lack of skill but because the wildlife here love to eat the tops and I’m not the best container gardener. This year I’ll be trying again with some chicken wire around the beds to protect “the precious”. Carrots are easy for children and adults to grow and eat, and an easy sell at the market.

Along with the above mentioned, we’ll also be growing the usual suspects – herbs and more herbs. We won’t be starting from seed since our herbs generally replant themselves or revive in spring. I’ll be doing another post soon on the most useful herbs to grow for your kitchen garden.

What I WON’T be growing this year? Tomatoes! I ain’t gon’ be able to dooo it! *Martin Voice*

The way my life is set up, low maintenance crops with lots of versatility and market demand is the name of the game this year. 

What crops will you be growing/selling this spring? Trying anything new?

black love

Meek Mill and men like him make it hard for good men

The past week has been a crazy time for The Nspiyahd Life. We’ve lost over 70 “followers”, stirred some needed (but triggering) conversations, and gotten further clarity on the healing that’s so desperately needed.

“Beef”, whether real or manufactured, tends to bring out the best and worst of us and calls our worldviews to the carpet in a very real way.

In case you’ve been under a rock where there is no wi-fi…or otherwise occupied with the real world, there’s a full-fledged catfight brewing in the Soundcloud streets. Now, if you’ve been following our work for any length of time you know that “pop culture” is not our lane – HOWEVER, upliftment of people of color is totally our space so we chose to talk about the Remy Ma diss track (even though we didn’t hear the whole thing) because there are lessons to be learned here.

The first lesson? Watch who you let into your life.

The whole situation is disgraceful on many levels, and yet, the thing that stands out most is that a grown man went and spilled the beans on his ex.

Not cool bruh. 

This is not the first or last time it’ll happen. We all know someone who got caught up with “ol’ dude”, and he turned out to be a Chatty Cathy type.

We all know this guy but we rarely pay attention to the signs until we’re looking back. 

This type of man is best to stay away from all-together (that means friendship too) because his bitterness is deep rooted and has no boundaries. I’m choosing to write about this because there are SO MANY great guys around us but this guy tends to make it bad for all the good ones. I’m thinking, if you can weed him out, you can see more clearly the men whose intent is pure and true.

In case you don’t know the warning signs, here’s a few tell-tale signs that a brotha is a #MeekMill

How to spot a #MeekMill

  1.  He’s perpetually salty – no one can win around this guy. If you do succeed there’s always a reason why you shouldn’t have or a word on why it won’t last. He’ll enjoy the celebration with you but at the first sign of clouds “I told you so” comes up and out.
  2. He keeps a fresh pot of “tea” on the stove – Stay away from men who gossip. Seriously. “Tea” is not cool for anybody, especially men. A man who’s always speaking someone else’s business is probably not tending to his own.
  3. He has no sense of decency in speech. A man who will say anything when he’s mad is a problem. So is a woman but we’re talking about the brothas today. This guy knows nothing about integrity and respectability. He is easily able to be pulled off his “cool” by anything seen as a slight to his over inflated ego.
  4. Things shared in confidence are resurrected in anger. It really needs no explanation that you should be able to trust the man you love with your secrets. If he’s bringing up all your dirty laundry when he gets mad, he’s probably been waiting for a reason.
  5. He talks trash about his “friends” – Loyalty is one of the hallmarks of manhood, so when you meet a guy who is always ready to throw his friends under the bus, beware. 
  6. He lacks empathy. I was so disgusted after seeing this story. It reminded me of a time I came across a guy with all these character flaws but of course, I overlooked them. One of the first things he ever did was be rude to a homeless man in my presence. If you ever see this, run. There’s nothing more telling of a weak man than how he treats those who are weaker than him.

 

It’s ok to expect for your heart to be protected when you open it to the worthy man. He finds it an honor and a privilege that you trust him to such a degree. Unfortunately, many of us run into 👆🏾 this guy waaay too many times before we happen upon a worthy man. Don’t hang your heart in the balance of good vs. evil.

That’s not what you were designed for.

Attracting a worthy man means that you’re always using the gifts of discernment and wisdom. Watching for patterns you’ve seen before and not ignoring red flags that’ll have you in tears later is key. 

The scripture tells you to prove a friend. That is your duty, as a woman and as a person, to protect your own heart. You will attract the level of protection you project. It’s easy to let your guards down when you’re obedient to your intuition.

 

What are some signs of #MeekMill men that I missed?

 

 

Essence of Womanhood

10 Self Care Secrets of spiritually centered women

self care secrets

If I’ve learned nothing else in my journey as a mother it’s that self-care is non-negotiable. I’s not up for debate, I’m not “putting it off til later”, and I’m not feeling guilty about it. #HowBahDah

As a mother of brown boys, wife of a revolutionary brown man, and a sun-kissed woman in America, self-care is more than taking care of my body. It’s mental health, spiritual grounding, and personal power all rolled up in one.

This crazy world lays another brick on top of our heavy-laden shoulders severyday so if we never take the time to lay down those burdens, we will surely crumble.

Women ask me all the time, “how do you make time for yourself with all you do?!”, and I know exactly where the question comes from. I used to be so overwhelmed. I wasn’t doing half as much as I do now, and had less children, but I was always frazzled, frustrated, and feeling neglected until I learned the secrets of self-care and started using them in my life.

 

10 Self Care Secrets of Spiritually Centered Women

  1. Teamwork makes the dream WORK. 

If having more time to take care of yourself is your goal, I encourage you to stop being that woman who “got this”. You know, anytime someone reaches out to help you don’t want to seem like you need help so “you got it”? Yea, stop doing that. Tap into the village around you and let others do what they’re good at. If no one is offering, ask. Hire. Contract your little cousin to babysit. Do whatever you need to do to let the team work for you.

Do whatever you need to do to let the team work for you.

     2. Get dressed everyday.

Letting yourself go feels “comfortable” at first, but that habit quickly starts to play on your self-esteem. I recently had a client call to say she gave all of her “comfy” clothes away and how much of a difference it’s made in her mindset and her marriage. God gave us women beauty. It’s our gift and each one of us has it in varying degrees. Taking care of your outer is a reflection of how you feel on the inside. 

It also works in reverse. When you’re feeling crappy on the inside, sprucing up your outside will make a world of difference. (This also works with cleaning your house up. It does for me at least!)

     3. Turn off & Tune in

Scheduling or simply taking time away from your devices is critical for mental and spiritual survival in this digital age. You probably take for granted the effect that constant screen time has on you but I found this article that really breaks it down.

Turn off the TV, put down the phone/tablet/laptop, and just chill sometimes. It’s the perfect time to take a walk, reconnect with nature, meditate, or take a zamn nap! (preaching in the mirror too, girl!)

     4. Communicate your needs

A lot of times we don’t get what we need because we don’t say what we need. We have this thing where we think folks can read our minds. They can’t. Especially not the ones we wish could do it the most – our men. It may be strange to consider that men want to provide everything we need and desire – they do (at least the good ones do). They just need us to tell them what exactly that is. 

It may be that people want to help you but you’re not communicating the help you need. I’ll be digging more into the topic of communicating with our men in the Flawless Femininity Masterclass. I also shared a few gems in the free F.I.N.E. & Feminine webinar, which you can watch here.

     5.  Learn how to say no gracefully

Saying no is ok you know. It helps you minimize your stress and cultivates a life you love. A lot of people feel guilty about saying no because they don’t want to upset others. That’s understandable, but when you say yes to things you really don’t want to do you end up upsetting yourself.

Some folks will always be offended by no. That’s not your business, though. Learning to say no in a graceful way helps you to keep the bridges in your life intact for when you need to cross them later.

Instead of saying no in annoyance or frustration, try saying, “I won’t be able to do it right now.”, “I have other plans”, or “I’m actually working on some other things at the moment.” Taking time to take care of you is a plan, it is some other things, and it’s a great reason for why you won’t be able to.

     6. Create a personal ritual

What is the first thing you do in the morning? 

Spiritually centered women have a routine for how they wake up and go about their days. They get connected to themselves, and their center (source), at the top of the day. This practice sets the tone for how you want your day to go. 

Having a personal ritual – whether it’s morning tea and meditation, weekly prayer and fasting, mindfulness walks after work – helps keep life feeling balanced and orderly. It helps you stay grounded when everything goes haywire.

      7. Take spiritual baths

Sounds a little new-age right? Well, it’s really not that new.

Spiritual bathing is the practice of mindful bathing. It’s like bougie bathing (s/o @tanglesandbeyond) with an added spiritual element. To take a spiritual bath you simply need to add salt (I prefer Himalayan Pink and Epsom), and essential oils to the water. Set a relaxing ambiance with music, candles, or simply dimmed lights. Leave your devices out of it, and pray. 

Taking spiritual baths can help with emotional cleansing, improving self-image, detoxification and much more.  For maintenance, I have a spiritual bath at least once a week using the FemininiTea Soak from the Queen Maintenance Kit.

     8. Stop Answering for negative people

The beautiful thing about technology today – you can ignore people and they’ll never know. Keeping the NegaDivas at bay is necessary for energy management. I know you’ve experienced a person who can drain you simply by calling. You see their name flash on the screen and it’s like “oh Lord, what now cher?!?!” Or even the folks you can’t share your wins with because they always have a “warning” story.

Yea, tap “Decline” on ’em and keep going on your merry way. You’re welcome.

     9. Keep Your Lips Moisturized

Maybe it’s just me, maybe not, but something happens to my soul when my lips are dry. I feel crummy and like I don’t have my life together. This is a personal self-care secret that goes beyond supple kisses. 

Have you ever put on some lipstick and felt like you snatched your life? That’s a spiritual thing! You boost your confidence. Your walk changes. You feel like you can handle things. Trust me on this one. Keep a bomb lip balm and a dope lip color near your person at all times and you’ll feel like you have your life together and you can flow through anything.

     10. Stop doing sh*t you hate

This is the #1 self care secret of spitirually centered women – and men. (But men tend to have no problem with this one). Doing things you hate to do daily takes a little bit of your soul everytime. 

Purge your to-do list often. Ask yourself “what brings me the most joy?” and “what do I do daily?”, compare the lists and trim the fat. Now granted, some things you hate but you have to do. For me, that’s making sure my 1y/o isn’t the kid with flies having a party on his diaper. They stink, but I gotta. But bigger things – like designing websites, laundry, and dishes – I outsource. 

Not everything is necessary for you to do. 

 

What it all means

There’s never an excuse to neglect your self care. If we can find time to be and do everything for everyone else, we can find time for ourselves. There’s nothing cute about having a breakdown, or even being worn out #NoMoreTiredMama. Make a commitment to get more connected to your source and yourself – not just this year, forever.

 

What are your self-care secrets?