Why did I choose this life? I was always at the top of my classes, I could’ve chosen the career woman path and been much better off financially right now. But here I am, working with my hands, making jewelry that I love, getting dirty in the garden everyday (still haven’t made that album yet, but that’s a post for another day).
When money is funny, you start to wonder.
Why did I choose the path of being a full time mama and dream chaser instead of living a regular life like regular people do?
I remember when I first decided I was going to step into this motherhood thing with both feet. I was working a boring job, sending my son to my dad’s house everyday. I’d sit at my desk and imagine all the creative things I could be doing with my time. I was totally unfulfilled and felt extremely guilty that my then 1 year old barely knew me.
I hated that other people were sharing his milestones and molding him into who they thought he should be. Some days I had to suck up my tears just to answer the phones.
Here I was, a brilliant artist, singer, and after being told I’d never conceive, I wanted to be an amazing mom. I had so many big dreams and I was building someone else’s dream with my time. Time that I could never get back. I felt like I’d locked myself in a prison and only I could unlock the gates.
I knew I had to be responsible for my own fulfillment. I knew that life was just passing me by and this ain’t dress rehearsal.
I made the decision to step out on faith with no plan, no money and a lot of shaking in my guts.
It hasn’t been easy. Some days I still want to turn back and go to that “guaranteed” paycheck. But then I remember that nothing in this life is guaranteed except the things I build for myself. I know that I MUST do this relentlessly because I have to show my boys how to do it.
As a mother, it can be hard to put your dreams on the front page of your life. You wonder how you’ll take care of your babies, how you’ll keep it all together. I still wonder how we make it from day to day sometimes. As I look back, I see that we’ve always been carried and gives me the faith to keep going.
We’ve “transitioning” in one way or another for 5 years now. Working, failing, and reworking to make our dreams tangible and create our own stability.
Hard times have tested and strengthened our family’s bonds. And our boys have been right there to see it all.
We’ve been called lazy, crazy and everything else you can imagine, but at the end of the day, we know our reasons. We’re showing them, and in many ways giving them permission to live out there dreams, come what may.
We want to show our children that it’s OK to pursue your purpose in the face of fear, defeat and criticism. It’s OK to run for it, with bleeding feet and ripped up clothes. It’s OK to ride it out in a broken down car and use those imperfect pieces to perfect all the gifts God has given.