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Losing myself in motherhood did not make me a better mother

Losing Myself in Motherhood DID NOT Make Me a Better Mother

 

5 years ago I was the epitome of a tired mama. I lived in my bonnet, my poor curls were dry and dusty, and my lint covered robe was my uniform.

 

I was a brand new, stay-at-home mama of two, living on one income, completely overwhelmed. I was tired and frustrated every day and crying every night – and I knew something had to give.

 

Like most women I knew – my grandmother, aunts, mother-in-law – I thought there was some high and noble calling to be found in losing my entire identity in being a wife and mother. I thought someone would show up with an award for Most Invested Mom because I was willing to be a martyr to my true self and bury my dreams in my children and husband – wrong, wrong & WRONG!

 

While I was losing myself in being Mom of the Year I was actually half-assing my whole life. I was cooking meals from scratch, making organic baby food, cloth diapering, and had hubby’s work clothes ironed every morning. Now, I loved (and still love) doing all of those things. But doing all those things without taking time to nurture myself, as a woman, did not make me a better mother or wife.

 

What it did make me was resentful. Being a great mom and wife was something that I’d always dreamed of but the way I was going about it had me in the fast lane to hating my life, having a perpetual side-eye for my husband, and being constantly frustrated with my children.

 

What I’d been taught, “Mothers don’t have a life anymore, everything is for your children now”, was running me into the ground.

 

I knew something had to change and FAST. First, I needed to carve out time for myself. No matter what I knew that I had to start refilling my cup if I wanted to continue to pour into my family.

 

I also knew that even though I had chosen the stay-at-home mom life, I needed to create something outside of my family that I could use to nurture my gifts, skills, and talents. As much as I’d looked forward to being a “kept woman” (yep, I’m quite alright with admitting that), once I was in those shoes I was bored af, and I wanted to contribute to our family’s future.

 

That was the beginning of what you see today. Taking more time to nurture me gave me more time to nurture my family. It also gave me more joy to share, more peace to pass along, and more seeds to sow into the people I love the most.

 

That’s why I’m so passionate about helping women heal – big pains and small, nagging aches – because when a woman can show up as her best self she can give her best to everything else.

Do you feel like you’ve lost yourself? What do you need to get back to you?

black family life

My Spring Cleaning Schedule – Passover Edition

Passover Cleaning, Peach, Hebrew Homemaker, HomemakingSpring is here and I’m soooo excited! I don’t know if it ever really wasn’t spring this year in New Orleans, but now the flowers are fragranced, new seedlings are popping up, and it’s time to get my spring cleaning schedule together.

The flies are back into action too and for me, that means one thing – CLEAN UP!

Spring also means that one of my favorite holy days is right around the corner – Passover, and that means – CLEAN UP! Lol!

This time of year I start getting that itch to clean, clean, clean but with three little people who want to “help” while we’re cleaning, a plan is essential!

My cleaning plan for Passover is spread out over a month. Yes, I said a month.

Spreading it out makes this HUGE once-a-year clean out easier to digest without getting overwhelmed. If I go at it without a plan I’ll be juiced up for a day and a half, then quickly lose steam because there’s just. so. MUCH! 

To top it off, we’re preparing for a move so we’ll be packing up as well. So yea, if y’all want to keep enjoying those Periscopes… ya girl needs a plan!

Here’s a quick breakdown of how my spring cleaning schedule looks this year.

Spring Cleaning Schedule:

  • Clean Cabinets & Closets – March 14,15,16 

March 14 – Clean Bedroom Closets

March 15 – Clean Kitchen & Laundry Room Cabinets

March 16 – Clean Fridge – Throw, Give, Pack

  • Clean Walls & Windows – March 17,19, 20

March 17 – Clean walls in rooms

March 19 – Clean Baseboards

March 20 – Clean Windows

  • Clean Floors – March 22, 23, 24

March 22 – Clean Upstairs carpets

March 23 – Clean Downstairs carpets

March 24 – Clean Bathroom & Kitchen floors

How do you make spring cleaning easier and more effective?

 

Looking for more ways to empower your family?

Grab the Family Empowerment Bundle! ONLY $29 unti3/24/17

black family life

7 Herbs + Edible Medicines to Help You Fight the Fall Flu

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7 Herbs + Edible Medicines to Help You Fight the Fall Flu

It’s that time of year again for most of the country. You know — the kids are back in school, touching all kinds of germy nastiness and playing with that questionable little friend who’s nose is always running.

Yep, the summer months with all that healing, protective sunshine have ended and the fall has arrived. For y’all. I’ll shamelessly admit that New Orleans has about 3 more months of summer to go. It’ll get cold here around December, maybe. I’m also lucky to have the boys in a homeschool program with only 4 other students…but they get bugs too.

I try to get my winter preparations – like extracts, oils and herbal honeys – ready pretty early so the herbs have plenty of time to sit and marinate. 

I’m sharing my personal list of herbs and edible medicines (i.e. FOOD) that I use every year to keep my family healthy. Some of these things you may know, some are less familiar. All of them can be used to help your body maintain good immunity.untitled-design-2

 

I love to say that an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure, but sometimes you don’t know that a bug done got you til you wake up feeling like a Mack truck rolled over you. In that case, you can still use these herbs to help your body fight better, faster. And they’re all safe and effective for the rugrats too.

7 Herbs to Help You Fight the Fall Flu

  • Burdock Root – Not traditionally mentioned on lists dealing with colds & flu, Burdock root is a wonderful helper for our liver. When the body is overloaded with toxins, it’s much more difficult for the immune system to work. Before the flu starts “going around”, use burdock to get your liver and immunity in tip top shape. Remember, “an ounce of prevention.”
  • Garlic – Garlic is one of the best antibiotics you can buy. Unlike other antibiotics, the body doesn’t “get used to it” so it always works. I use a TON of garlic in cooking so I always have lots on hand. It’s pretty hard to take it raw and can actually burn the lining of your intestines that way. Try adding more to your food or boiling and adding to tea to reap the benefits without the burn.
  • Elderberries – These little berries are wonderful for so many reasons. They’ve shown positive action against ADHD and they’re great for flu season. The berries are high in vitamin C and can be combined with the flowers to make a great syrup for coughs, colds, bronchitis and more. Elderflowers can also be used alone to make a healing tea, especially for bronchitis.
  • Turmeric – Is it me or is everyone singing the praises of turmeric right now? This yellow root “been on”, it’s just been waiting for folks to realize it. Along with being anti-cancer and anti-tumor, turmeric is also effective at detoxifying the body. Good thing we have some growing in the garden.
  • Catnip – Another herb I keep in the garden is catnip. Catnip is my favorite herb for children – because it’s a gentle sedative. (Cuz I am not above using herbs to put a child to sleep.) Catnip is also great for calming the nerves – because stress leads to sickness. It helps your body fight colds, flu and fever by causing you to sweat without heating your systems.
  • Lavender – I’m one of those people who will spread lavender and coconut oil over my whole life. It’s such a great all around helper. From disinfecting our house (and hands) to brewing in a calming tea. Lavender has antiviral and antibacterial properties that make it perfect for prevention and cure. Try using a few drops of lavender oil in your castille soap to disinfect door knobs, toys, and countertops during flu season.
  • Ginger Root – Ginger is one of those things folks either love or hate. When it comes to your health, Imma need you to love it. It’s so useful when you’re fighting off viruses and bacteria. If it’s hard for you to stomach try juicing it with apples, kale, and other fruits and veggies. I also grate it into muffins and use it in our teas. Along with helping your digestion after a really big meal, ginger is also antiviral and anti-inflammatory so it helps fight off the bugs that cause colds and flu.untitled-design

 

 

The underlying reason behind all those winter sickies is our systems being overloaded with toxins. The best way to fight infection is to detox your body before the “season” arrives. Detoxing kids can be a doozy but these herbs are easily added to tea (iced or hot), and meals so you can hide the healing :).

Essence of Womanhood

#WifeLife101: 10 things to do right now instead of arguing

10 Things to do Right Now, instead of arguing

instead-of-arguing-marriage

 

I know girl.

He did it again. Stayed out late and didn’t call, or just didn’t take the trash out for the 1,356th time and you are pissed. Our men have so much on their minds. Taking care and providing for families is work. And no, I’m not justifying the forgetfulness. 

It’s cool to be upset. I know because I’m upset right now.

 I’m stopping myself from throwing a doggone shoe. But I’m stopping myself is the point.

I keep seeing all these memes “Marriage is a “sleepover with your best friend” every night. NO. It is not. And if it was, could you imagine that? I can. I remember staying at my best friends house a whole week as a kid. By day 3 we were at each other’s hat. So marriage is like a sleepover, except I didn’t have to pick up my bff’s socks in the middle of “being mad”.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]So marriage is like a sleepover, except I didn’t have to pick up my bff’s socks in the middle of “being mad”.[/tweetthis]

People ask us all the time how we handle arguing. We really don’t. (Yes, there are couples out here.) Trust me, we disagree. Instead of arguing, we go silent on each other or go off on our own. We do eventually hash it out but we’ve figured out how to handle it humanely. I mean, we do have to live together after the tension subsides.

Instead-Of-Arguing-Wife

As a woman, it can be especially difficult for me to swallow my words. I always want to be the “finisher”. This society teaches us, “can’t nobody tell me nothing”, and “I’m a grown woman!”. But that’s not really conducive for marriage. Not a good one at least.

God hasn’t called us to nagging and nastiness as wives, either. This world can be tough enough, so it’s good when we’re good to each other. Im glad I’ve figured out some clever ways to check my spirit when I’m feeling like that. Until I can approach the situation humbly and speak my grievances like I’m talking to a god of this earth…or at least another human.

[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@theNspiyahdLife” hidden_hashtags=”#Nspiyahd” display_mode=”box”]#WifeLife101:This world is tough enough. It’s good when we’re good to each other[/tweetthis]

10 Things to do when you’d rather argue.

  • Vacuum – I’m sure the feminists will call me sexist for this suggestion but I promise I’m not. It’s all about strengthening our femininity. Our homes are our biggest reflection of us, and the floors can always stand to be cleaned. Not only does vacuuming freshen the air in your home. It lightens the energy. The monotony of walking back in forth with the vacuum doing all of the work will give you time to get into your thoughts and figure out why you’re really upset. Take the time to give your floors a good clean when you need to redirect some of that energy and you’ll be glad you did long after the argument is gone.

Walk-INstead-Of-Arguing

  • Take a long walk – there’s nothing like fresh air to bring you back to a peaceful place. Walking is also great for keeping them legs toned too!
  • Take a cold shower – I know, I sound like somebody’s mama. I’m  forreal though! Cold showers are really good for your skin! This one aint even about him! “It’s the safest waay!” Lol. (Erykah voice)  Really, cold showers have so many healing benefits for our bodies.  I love my hot-hot water too much to go strictly cold, but I transition from “dark warm” to warm to “luke cold” but I’m telling you. Your skin will thank you for it. If you’re feeling like being brave, bring some fine ground pink salt (or plain sea salt) into the shower for a spiritual cleanse.
  • Go do your toes – Skipping pedicure visits is great for when you’re feeling unappreciated in your house. It gives you a perfect opportunity to pamper yourself – yourself. It’s cool to have someone else do it but there’s nothing like touching your own skin. Grooming your own self and reminding yourself how much you care about you. Our society is so disconnected, most of us even neglect to connect with ourselves. Instead of arguing, take that time to get back in tune with you.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]Our society is so disconnected, most of us even neglect to connect with ourselves.[/tweetthis]

  • Speaking of getting in tune, meditate. Next time you’re feeling like you want to scream, find a quiet place and  go there. Just sit a while and listen to your spirit speak. What is she screaming for? What does your soul want? Is it  upright? Is it pleasing to the Most High? Take the time to clear out your mind of any expectations that are not of Him and just breathe.
  • Write in a journal. It can be a great way to get your emotions out so that when you do go to speak to your husband you’ll have a list of problems with actionable solutions you’ve thought through in the ink wash. Men are logistical. (Is that a word?) They hear us better when we’re speaking from logic and strategy rather than emotions or feelings. Not to say that we shouldn’t feel, but we should process those feelings in the feminine and bring the  problem into the masculine, so they can solve them.
  • Go for a jog. This one can be so helpful in releasing excess hormones and stress toxins. Not only will it give you time to think instead of arguing, while pounding the pavement, you’ll be burning calories and working up an appetite as well.

Cook-Instead-Of-Arguing-Marriage

  • Which brings me to my next tip. Try out a new recipe instead of arguing with your man. I always say that baking bread is the best stress relief in the kitchen. Like jogging, the kneading process gives you something to physically exert some energy on. A good 10 minute kneading session will give you some super soft bread too! Don’t know how? Check out my Bread Tutorial video HERE

Bake-Instead-Of-Arguing-Bread

  • Create something. I’m known for getting at the sewing machine or wrapping up a stone when I’m feeling frustrated. When I’m hurt I’ll pull out pen and paper and write a poem or a song. Whatever it is that brings your soul joy, do that. Sewing, making music, continuing your manuscript, branding for your business.  Hustles and hobbies help us feel accomplished and less dependent on our men to not make mistakes. Which in turn gives us less reasons to argue.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]Hustles and hobbies help us feel accomplished and less dependent on our men to not make mistakes.[/tweetthis]

  • (FILL IN #10 HERE!!!!!)

There’s a thousand other productive things that can be done instead of arguing. (and a few things not to do. Like call your single girlfriends but that’s another post) 

They say black wives are angry, but really, we’re the ones with the most at stake if our men fail. I get it. There’s a way to communicate exactly what we need from them, firmly without upsetting the balance. Sometimes, wee have to sit down or step back to get to that.

Our whole society is really built against men. We’ve been in a matriarchy. Look at the education system; boys are always in trouble and get lower grades – across racial lines.

Our duty is to help our boys and men overcome that and become better. That’s not always easy, and we get humbled in the process.

Look at our ancestoral women. They built kingdoms in humility, honor and love. They were soft, submissive and strong.

They raised families, owned businesses, and managed a house full of servants and all our forefathers’ wealth. You think they had time to be arguing and carrying on?

Instead-Of-Arguing-Marriage

What are some things you do in your marriage instead of arguing?

Beauty & Confidence

Have a Happy Womb in 9 Steps

 

Have a Happy Womb in 9 Steps

It’s #WombmanWednesday over on our Instagram and there’s no better day to talk about having a happy womb. Usually I spend Wednesdays shouting out phenomenal women and sharing a womb health tips. But what good is all that if the majority my sistas are stressed, upset and wondering “how?” when it comes to getting healthy and happy from the inside out.

 I’m only 27, what do I know about womb health? I’m sure I don’t know it all. What I do know is that about a year before I had my first son, I was rocked with the worst menstrual cramps. IN. Life. My whole life was a hot mess and I was miserable.

I was allowing myself to be stuck in a toxic relationship, I was constantly stressed and I pretty much felt hopeless. You can safely say I did not have a happy womb. At that time I was given the diagnosis that many young women are getting, the big bad endometriosis. A resident doctor told me I’d never have children. I was devastated. It’s crazy how they throw those kinds of words around like they’re God…but I digress.

I decided that I would have children no matter what the doctors said, so I knew it was time to change my life. The diagnosis could’ve very well been true, but I’ve always been a stubborn gal. So I chose not to believe it and began my journey to a healthy, happy womb. 

It wasn’t easy and it was definitely more spiritual than I expected it to be. But you know what? It was worth it.

Here I am, almost 7 years later, 3 babies deep, and much more clear, focused and aware… but still on the healing path.

I’ve realized that womb work is ongoing. As long as we have wombs, they’ll need to be maintained, like anything else.

Are you ready to get happy from the inside out?

Here’s how I created a happy womb, happy life situationHappy Black Woman Womb Health

  • Eat like you love yourself!

I know how hard it is to say no to those fries….”it’s just ONE…” but know that every bite you take is either fueling wellness or sickness. Nearly 80% of American women will be affected by fibroids before their 50th birthday.  That’s a scary statistic. I know that I’ve been affected and nearly every woman I know has too. Greasy foods, refined sugar, and other chemical ingredients push us further down the road to womb sickness.

Eating habits that tell your body “I love you” can go a long way toward creating whole, happy wombs. Adding more fruit and veggies is a no brainer, but also how we eat can make a big difference. Overindulging, eating on the go and not taking the time to sit and savor cause harmful chemical reactions in our bodies.

So take some time to sit …and breathe. Try using healthy sugar alternatives like agave nectar and honey to have sweets without the harmful affects. Also, consider cooking with rich olive and avocado oils instead of GMO laced vegetable oil.

Healthy Reproduction in black women

 

  •  Be kind to yourself

You’ve been through a lot. As women, we’ve been through a lot. What most of us don’t know is that all those unprocessed emotions we swallow go right to our wombs. It’s a holding chamber for our dreams, goals, and traumas that are waiting to be processed.

You may not notice but, whatever you’ve gone through, you survived! Give yourself credit for that. Never beat yourself up for the paths you’ve taken. We all make some ratchet choices at some point. Did you learn the lesson? Good!

Look yourself in the mirror and tell her how much you appreciate her for just surviving it all. For being strong even in your weakness and growing through it. There’s a woman inside of you waiting for gentle words, from you. 

Check out one of our Essence of Womanhood videos if you need more encouragement.

  • Get around happy women

There’s nothing like a like minded network of sisters who are rooting for your wellbeing! It’s a beautiful feeling to be on the journey to healing and happiness with women who just “get it”.

I know, Bitter Betty might have been your friend since Pre-K but, if she’s not trying to grow with you, you gotta let her go girl! My grandma always told me that white can never stain dirt, but dirt will always stain white.

So get around women who uplift you, encourage you and hold you accountable for being a happy black woman!

Healthy Womb, Womb Healing, Black Women

  • Meditate

It’s so hard for me to sit still sometimes. There’s so much to do and what seems like no time to do it. When I’m running in circles, that’s when I know I need to sit still the most. Our wombs are our creative center. Taking time to sit and reconnect with our center is important for every woman who wants to create.

Allow yourself 10-15 minutes a day to sit and detox from all the drama, hurt and disappointment you may be feeling. Take time to think loving thoughts and send positive healing energy to your most sacred space and everything around you will take on a new sense of serenity and clarity.

  • Drink your herbs

We are literally surrounded by healing…all.the.time. This earth is full of an abundance of herbs and medicinal plants that promote healthy wombs, mental wellness and even beat depression.

Science has proven that the American diet doesn’t come close to having all the minerals we need to promote optimal health. I’ve been lucky enough to stock my medicine cabinet with herbs that help not only supplement my diet but also help me to heal myself from the inside out.

There are many herbs that help to balance our hormones, tone our reproductive organs and lift our moods. Don’t have time to mix your own herbs? I made a blend just for us! You can get it here.

Happy Black Women, Natural Herbal Healing

Learning to identify and use the wild herbs in your area can make all the difference.

  • Get REST!

We’re always sooooo busy! Too busy for ourselves really. We’re grinding, “goal-getting” and doing a hundred other things – like putting our selves on the back burner. Let me let you in a little secret. Everything will get done. The kids will eat, your husband will too! Relax for a minute.

Clearly God knew the importance of rest because He mandated a whole day of the week to do just that. We have to know that our bodies are not built to just go and go without stopping at some point to recharge. You charge your phone don’t you? Well, love your body like you love your phone.

Healthy pregnancy, healthy reproduction

I’m big on “earthing”. I’ll stretch out in the grass in a hot second. Reconnecting with nature is KEY!

  • Let GO!

I’m tired of hearing it too. And it is easier said than done. But holding on to grudges,”what she said” and “what he did” is not hurting them, it’s killing YOU! I’ve told you how our wombs are our bodies holding tanks. So all those things you’re inwardly mad about are just sitting there, festering. Creating stress, which creates cortisol, which creates sickness. Yep, those spiritual and emotional wounds will create real life, physical illness if you don’t send that stuff to the left.

Write it out, say it out loud, scream it if you have to. Just get it out of your system and let it stay gone forever.

  • Smile!

We walk around with scowls so much that we forget how pretty we are when we smile. A healthy, happy woman creates a healthy, happy womb. That’s really it. When you see a woman with that “glow” it’s almost always coming from the inside out (unless she’s wearing some bomb bronzer but that’s another conversation.)

Allow yourself to smile. Often. It won’t hurt you, I promise.

9 steps to becoming happier and healthier as a woman of color

 

  • Do your kegels

I heard that all the time when I was pregnant. Small but mighty, your pelvic floor muscles hold up everything in your upper body. Exercise them things! Prolapse (when the muscles collapse) is becoming way too common and it’s really avoidable. Kegels are an easy exercise that you’re probably already doing and don’t even realize it. But now you can do them intentionally. Basically you squeeze your pelvic floor as if you’re “holding it” when you have to go to the restroom. Sounds simple but it does wonders for revitalizing the yoni and strengthening your core.

 

So are you ready to commit to stepping boldly into a space of health and happiness?

What are some ways you show your womb you care?

black family life

#LEMONADE : Three Messages You Probably Missed

I think I speak for the entire internet when I say, my edges are officially SNATCHED and have retired to the land of baby hair and afros! I’m not a member of the Beehive. I turned in my credentials years ago, but as an artist and creator, I’ve continued to enjoy watching as Bey expands our imaginations and pushes the envelope.

I can admit that, what Beyonce stands for – from a public perspective – I don’t. I’m not a supporter of the “single ladies” movement, the man bashing movement or the feminist movement. I do, however, recognize greatness, talent and discipline. I tend to keep my ear to the ground when it comes to what’s stirring up black women in America; so I also recognize when America’s black sweetheart, goes rouge!

Based on her most recent, overt cries of “I am Black” and “I will not take the oppression of my people lying down”, I had to see what “Lemonade” was hitting for. My oh MY was it a hit! All that said, I think that by and large, the message was missed.

It’s too easy to say that Bey made an entire album to out her man for his cheating ways. No, no, no! (Kendrick voice) That’d be too obvious! Then to bring it to a close with Jay-Z lovingly caressing her over sentimental family video footage? I’m not buying it.

Look a little deeper, and you’ll see what is probably the greatest power move ANY power couple has ever made unfolding before our eyes.

 

She told the mainstream where they could kiss…

Lemonade, Beyonce, Kanye West

Let’s take it back to Kanye’s VMAs outburst…follow me here.

I’m Beyonce, the metaphoric “bride” of the mainstream music industry. Tonight, the night when my “groom” acknowledges me before the world…he gives my props to “Becky with the good hair”. GASP! I’m still Beyonce, my branded image is squeaky clean, so where I would like to run through the streets with “hot sauce in my bag” smashing all the windows in valet parking, I keep my cool.

I hold my peace when I must pinch, cinch, bleach and belittle to get the same accolades and endorsements “Becky with the good hair” gets for just being herself.

..and yet, it’s not enough. Becky wins again.

The backlash after her Superbowl performance let the world know that in the eyes of America, Beyonce, and black women, can be anything we want to be, except unapologetically black. No, not that!

She yelled the war cry for all the beautiful sisters who came before and who are to come.

Our grandmothers who had to wear the dresses of the misses but the shame of the mistress. Our mothers who wore the skin and scalp of the mainstream image of beauty…and still weren’t “perfect” enough… Now we, still stuck under these curses, learning daily how to break free from the images and BE the natural standard of beauty that we’ve always been.

I gathered this from the visuals she gave us after the whole “let me wear her skin” piece. She showed up and showed out in bleached white skin with bleach blond tresses.

Nuff Said!

Generational Curses? Break Free!

Bey gave us history, presence and shed light on how to move forward into the future. TOGETHER.

Several times in “Lemonade” she called upon her grandmothers, and other grandmothers for answers. It was heart warming to see New Orleans’ own Leah Chase being honored with a cameo. She is an elder of great wisdom and much cherished here in our city.

What stood out to me the most during the spoken parts of Lemonade was not the seeming “calling out” of “low down” men, it was the pain. The deep, ancestral pain that screamed WHY?! Why did you go through this hurt grandmama? Mama? Me? What did we do to contribute to the pain and how can we stop these pains from recurring? Beyond the pain we’ve shared with black men, what about the pain we’ve endured from other men?

She filled us up with images of black love and family. Black men dancing in the streets and smiling. Unity. Community and closing the breach – together. Did you catch it?

black love and family

She defined the power of a bomba$$ WIFE!

“Lemonade” was a Tidal exclusive. Prince’s music? Tidal exclusive. Kanye’s latest release? Tidal exclusive.

Jay-Z and Beyonce have essentially raised two middle fingers to the “industry” and said “what you won’t give us, we will MAKE”. That message is resounding throughout America and the diaspora at large right now…and it’s POWERFUL.

It’s even more powerful that in the midst of the mainstream tearing the business side of Jay-Z’s new music-streaming service apart, Bey is leveraging her star power to keep her husband’s business relevant, and remind us all why black power families are necessary.

black love, black marriage, beyonce, jayz, lemonade, tattoo

 

What messages did you get from Beyonce’s visual album “Lemonade”?

 

black family life

How to Work your Vision with Children in it

Learn how to work your vision with children in it

natural mama, natural hair mother

Our children are with us like, 100% of the time. Any homeschooling entrepreneur can vouch.  They’re all up IN our brand and individual businesses. That used to overwhelm me. Sometimes it still does, but I’ve gotten much better with realizing that our babies are a BIG part of our brand and having them around is teaching us a TON of good things we never would have learned without them.

That doesn’t take away from the fact that some day s are better than others, especially when it comes to getting things done with three active boys in tow. I’m always asked how we do it.

So, I came up with 5 ways we make being Family-preneurs work for us

 

How to work your vision with children in it

  • Let them watch

I’ve always heard that kids slow you down but, being married with 2 children by 23, I couldn’t afford to start using that excuse. I knew I wanted to homeschool and that I wanted to make an impact during my lifetime as well. I knew it would be hard but I looked at it as a chance to change the dynamic of the next generation. “What if our children only saw entrepreneurship and black ownership?” We figured we had the responsibility to be the examples of black excellence to our children. If they were going to learn how to build black families and profitable businesses, it would be from watching us.

Another plus to having them tag along, they know how to act in public. So, let your kids watch and join you when they can. You’ll be surprised how easily they pick up social etiquette and positive practices just from watching you do you.

  • Be Patient

Learning is eternal if you’re living right. It can be tough being patient with the learning curve of childhood though….since we’re all soon far past that stage (sarcasm). Children may not always be comfortable being the “odd family” and they may have lots of questions. Don’t over analyze it. Lighten up a little. Not just with the children, but with yourself as well. Your little ones will learn more from how you react to criticism and correct your mistakes than they will living a cookie cutter life.

  • Bedtime is your friend

Unless your children are teenagers and able to take care of themselves, bedtime is your best friend. Being in business and homeschooling begs for us to be somewhat organized – if not OCD. Having the children on the schedule has saved my hairline, and my liver, so trust me on this one. The early morning, nap time, and after bedtime hours are the most productive in our house.

Try starting with set bedtime. For small children I also suggest implementing a midday nap. It gives you time to recharge your batteries and prevents you having a cranky kid in the late evening.

  • Be Consistent

Creating consistency in your life helps children feel secure. Secure children are also well behaved children and good behavior is something you NEED to be able to bank on if you’re building your dreams with your kids right alongside you. Everyday won’t go exactly as planned, and the kids won’t always be on their P’s and Q’s but having a road map and a set plan of action helps get you and them back on track quickly. I’m an artist so, routine is not my thing, but I’ve found that keeping a schedule (for business and home) is a lifesaver and actually gives me more freedom to do what I love.

  • Slow Down

Every black millennial has heard that being a parent slows you down. We’ve all been told that we should be out getting careers or chasing our dreams while we still can. Well, you still CAN with children and a family. It’s important though, to change your perspective of what it means to live a slowed down life. Know that, sometimes slowing down prevents you from a crash, from making missteps or simply from taking the wrong turn. Often, in our overworked, fast paced society, slowing down is exactly what needs to happen to get us to our highest potential.

We’ve always heard “live fast, die young”. Hubz says “live slow, die old” & I believe that.

Work your Vision with Kids in it

Yes, kids slow you down but they do it so that you can enjoy every second of the years you have with them. So that the “building” stage doesn’t just slip by you. Give thanks for your children, and the memories you get with them, as often as you can.

black family life

#TheMarriageRules: Have Each Other’s Back! {PLUS} 3 Ways to Keep your Dreams Alive, Together

marriage, black marriage, black love, black love matters

 

So you got married. Then you realized that it’s more than just a white dress and a night filled with 90’s R&B shared with 200 of your closest friends and family…or a runaway wedding in Vegas. Yep, if you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed that life starts coming at you 100 mph as soon as you say “I Do”. It’s like all the forces in the universe say “Oh, you do?”

In our first year of marriage my husband lost his job, twice. There was a shooting in our old neighborhood that left a bullet hole in our front door and another through the kitchen wall, and we topped that year off with an unassisted home birth. To say it was a whirlwind would be an understatement, but we got through it.

Today, joblessness is plaguing MANY. At the same time, our generation’s need to find our true purposes is ever increasing and, thankfully, so are marriages.

But what do you do when you’re newly hitched and the burdens of life become a lot to bear? What do you do when your friends, family and your social media groups are telling you to “ditch that loser” because your spouse has fallen on hard times?

We’ve been there. In marriage, it’s a never ending rollercoaster of ups and downs, and surprisingly, most of them come from OUTSIDE the marriage. The number one rule to sticking it out is having each others’ back.

This is three things we do daily to keep our vision steady and keep our dreams alive.

The Marriage Rules, Marriage Rules, Marriage, Black Love, Black Marriage

 

  • Cheer each other on

Whether you’re dreaming of opening a law practice together or just trying to get through the next week, life will try you both. Together, and separately. Even in the best of marriages, you never truly know what your spouse is dealing with inside. Good team players know how to cheer each other to the next big victory, and also, how to encourage each other through the losses.

  •  Cut the world off

    From social media to mainstream media, from friends to in-laws, negative opinions about marriage, your spouse, and living out your dreams together are coming at us left and right. Not only do we need to know how to field them when they come unexpectedly, we have to actively work to eliminate the ones we already encounter.

    One of the best things we did for our marriage early on was to get rid of our TV’s. Yep, all of them. That may be extreme for some others but we knew where we wanted to take our family and how the media works against that. Consider the images and opinions you hear on a regular basis about black families and relationships. Are they helpful or hurtful?

  • Hold each other accountable

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At the end of the day, married or not, trials and tests will come. Naysayers, or “haters” ain’t going nowhere.  There will always be something, or someone, trying to prove to you that you “can’t” and your job is to prove that you can. Let the challenges and doubt fuel you to be more disciplined in your work, more committed to your goals and more eager to push each other to greatness. Hold yourself and your loved one to a standard of excellence so that your walk always matches your words and eventually your fruits works will speak loud enough for the both of you.

Focus on the WIN. The thing about teams is, you can only win if you play well together.

Believe in your spouse’s big dreams and the little steps to get there will be so much easier.

Proverbs 16:3 Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.

black family life

#WifeLife101: 5 Ways to get out of the No Sex Zone

#WifeLife101: 5 Ways to get out of the No Sex Zone

unhappy marriage

 

I’m sure this meme isn’t funny to a lot of brothers who are living in the no sex zone, but as a wife and mom, I GET IT!

This melanated love thing is delicious; and building black families is where it’s at these days. But those love vibes don’t always translate in the bedroom after a busy day running after babies and making mountains move.

We’re working, running businesses, raising children and making a home. The ish gets exhausting! So, that meme is exactly how we feel when our men show up with “the big cup” waiting to be filled from the little bit we have left over.

 

I got a good laugh out of it, but I remember a few years ago when I was creating my own “no-sex zone” in my marriage. I’d just had baby number 2 and I. Was. Tired! Frustrated and overstretched with two under three. Not to mention I felt unattractive and a mess. Y’all know how our bodies go to changing -in more ways than many- after giving birth mamas.

Being tired comes with the territory of our super busy lifestyles. Much like intimacy comes with the territory of marriage. The beautiful thing is, an increase in intimacy can lead to an increase in energy – so we all win!

Sex is a natural and necessary part of any marriage. Along with strengthening the bond between you and your spouse, you release hormones that induce relaxed, stress-free feelings, powerful natural pain relievers, and an overall positive mood. Who can complain about that?

Aside from those who have experienced serious sexual traumas, women who are well connected with their spouse tend to respond to life better.

So how do you get from barely having a spark to coaxing a constantly lit flame?

Well, I’m no expert but when I realized that the “no sex zone” leaves the door wide open for temptation, I changed the climate of my marriage in a heart beat. Here’s my five best tips…

& if you don’t need them, share ’em with a sista that does. 🙂

no sex, marriage, black marriage, black love, black women, black men, married, intimacy

 5 Ways to get out of the No-Sex Zone

  • Pull Yourself together girl!

    Self care is the order of the day! When you look good, you feel good and you make everyone around you feel good. Men are visual creatures, and while I know we have a million and one things on our “to-do” list, YOU should be one of them! Be honest with yourself if you’ve let yourself go and go get her back! Don’t let your love life suffer from a lack of self love. Get back into the swing of lavishing yourself with affection and it’s sure to spill over on your loved one.

  • Exercise

    “Exercise releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy!” I’m quoting one of those hollywood blondes but homegirl was right. Not only do endorphins make you happy, exercise increases blood flow to some key areas while rejuvenating your stamina.

    I found that waking up early (when I used to wake up early) to exercise made my days much smoother and more energetic so I had more “get up and go” when Hubz got home in the evenings. Another trick is to get in a nice calorie burner after the kids lay down to give you an evening energy boost.

  • Commit to Bedtime

    Is your spouse competing with your career…? Kids? Social calendar? Yep, been there! Like back when I wrote this post. We’ve even helped a few couples who’s only major problem in the bedroom is the kids. Try committing to a time when the children MUST be in bed every night and don’t compromise unless it’s absolutely necessary. Between 8-9pm works for us and it gives us a few hours at night to just enjoy each others’ company.

Along with a bedtime for the children, create a time when work and electronics must go off. Nothing is more important than building a strong bond with your spouse. Too many couples are competing with each others phones and tablets. Get back into each others’ presence. I promise, that’s the only “likes” you need at the end of the day.

[tweetthis display_mode=”box”]Don’t get stuck on social media and forget that your spouse should “like” you too.[/tweetthis]

  • Open Up

    Over 70% of women never achieve orgasm in their lives. That’s pure ridiculousness! No wonder they’re calling us “angry” and “emotional”! The real thing is over 70% of men don’t even know that. It’s high time we say something ladies, because as much as they DO know, they DON’T know how to read our minds. Oh happy day when the app for that is invented; but until then, we have to get comfortable letting our men know what works and what doesn’t. Because, let’s be honest, no amount of “tired” or “headache” will keep us away from something if we really want it. You know what they say about a closed mouth.

  • Get outside of the Box.

    If you want different results, you gotta do some thing(s) different. Think outside the box for ways to bring back the excitement you had before. Send a text outside of your normal “pick up a pack of chicken”, or funny animal memes. Leave a note in his lunch bag or wallet. Get creative. Be spontaneous!

 

 

It’s easy to forget that we’re wired totally different from our men. Most of us, women, can  live without sex – but our men cannot. Which is probably why scripture is really clear on the matter in marriage. Creating an intimate, open and fun environment in your marriage can ensure that the desire is mutual and no one ever feels missed or neglected.

What are some ways you keep the spark of intimacy in your marriage?

 

Beauty & Confidence

#NaturalMama Style : Denim x Denim

Woop Woop! First style post ever!

This is one of my fave comfy, “running to the store” looks. I’m a huge fan of denim because it goes with everything…especially dark denim, because I can dress it up or down.

denim shirt, natural hair, naturalist, natural mama

I paired a DKNY top with an Old Navy skirt (Hubz’ fave) that I distressed myself. Both thrifted. YES!

My wash and go curls were on…IDK, maybe day 7-ish (don’t judge lol!), so I dressed them up with a bow that I made from a remnant piece of African fabric – you can get a similar print here. My shades are actually Hubz’ shades that I wore for the day because they’re so fly! They were a gift, and I got the last pair from the Tribal Immunity shop – but here’s another pair just like them.

Denim on denim just works. Especially when you’re a busy mama and you want to look put together on your quick runs. Add a nice nude – or bold – lip and you’re ready to go.

 

Love,

Yahya